The Hogan's Heroes Duck Shoot
by Atarah Derek
Summary: A response to an older challenge. I thought I'd beat up on the characters a little bit, especially in light of the current trial. Mwa ha ha ha ha! Inspired partially by “The Many Deaths of Wolfgang Hochstetter.” AU, obviously. Warning: Character death
1. Chapter 1

**The Duck Shoot**

A response to an older challenge. I thought I'd beat up on the characters a little bit, especially in light of the current trial. Mwa ha ha ha ha! Inspired partially by "The Many Deaths of Wolfgang Hochstetter." AU, obviously.

**Disclaimer:** I own nussing! Nor do I know when Benadryl was invented, but it was around as early as the 50's, so bear with me, while I take what may be historical license.

**Chapter 1:** Newkirk's Last Meal

"Try this, Newkirk."

Newkirk made a face as he sniffed at LeBeau's latest culinary creation. The Frenchman had been experimenting with different recipes lately, trying to invent something unique and truly French. Why Newkirk had to be the guinea pig, he would never know.

"What's in it?" Newkirk asked suspiciously, not at all liking the smell.

"It's a fish soup. It's a modification of Bouillabaisse. The recipe comes from the coast," LeBeau explained. "Here, just try a little bit."

"There's no eel in it, is there, mate?"

LeBeau smiled. "Just for you, mon ami."

Newkirk grimaced.

"I'm kidding."

"Just try it, Newkirk," Kinch said, looking up from repairing a radio. "If you don't like it, I'll try it."

"I don't like it," Newkirk stated.

"Just try it," LeBeau insisted, still holding the spoon in Newkirk's face.

Newkirk sighed and finally complied, sipping the hot broth. He sputtered and coughed as he swallowed the hot liquid. "Cor! Keep trying, LeBeau, and maybe one day it'll taste good."

LeBeau muttered something in French and turned to give Kinch a sample.

After a couple moments, Newkirk noticed it was getting a bit difficult to breathe, and there was some sort of rash forming around his mouth. He coughed. "Louis, what did you put in that soup that makes it so different?"

LeBeau shrugged. "I added some clam meat that I bribed Schultz to buy for me. Why?"

Newkirk gave LeBeau and Kinch a desperate look. "I'm allergic to shellfish!" he cried.

Kinch jumped up. "I'll go get the colonel and Wilson! LeBeau, get him some Benadryl!"

"Uh..." LeBeau just stared as Kinch disappeared out the barracks door. "What's Benadryl? Where do I find it?" He looked at Newkirk, hoping the Englishman had an answer.

By this time, however, Newkirk was in full anaphylactic shock. His swollen throat made it impossible to answer.

By the time Wilson, Hogan, Kinch, and finally Carter made it back to the barracks, it was too late to do anything. As a result of Newkirk's death, LeBeau's reputation as a chef was permanently damaged.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:** Heavenly Chef

Carter was in a hurry. If Klink walked in on him, the whole operation could go up like the dynamite he was holding. He glanced around the kitchen, searching for a place to hide his bombs. Why, oh why did he pick the kitchen in Klink's quarters to do his work? So what if the men were still digging out his lab after that explosion had collapsed part of the tunnel? Did he have to come here instead?

The footsteps got closer. Carter spotted the gas oven and stove used to prepare Klink's meals. No one would look there for dynamite! It had worked once in the barracks; why not here? Carter stuffed the sticks inside the oven and slipped—rather clumsily—out the window.

The door to the kitchen opened.

"And when you have prepared the meal for General Wexler and Kommandant Klink," Schultz was saying, "I shall have to taste it to make sure it is not poisoned."

LeBeau rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you will. Just leave a little food for the Boche general."

"LeBeau," Schultz scolded. "You know better than to talk like that."

The Frenchman scoffed. "Just let me work in peace, Schultz. I will call you and the commandant when dinner is ready."

Schultz smiled. "Danke, cockroach. I can hardly wait!" The rotund guard then turned and left the kitchen.

LeBeau had to smile to himself. There were very few lovable Krauts in Germany, but Schultz was one of them. He took a box of matches out of a drawer and turned the gas to the stove on. He lit the match and held it to the gas feed inside the oven, not noticing Carter's package.

Schultz met up with Hogan outside. They began discussing why the general was coming to camp, but were interrupted by an explosion behind them. They hit the dirt as the commandant's quarters went up in a ball of flame, showering the two men on the ground with debris.

An investigation concluded that the explosion had been caused by a gas leak, and triggered when LeBeau struck his match. This did not comfort Carter any, for the only evidence of LeBeau's presence found intact in the rubble were his dog tags.

**AN: **You thought Carter was going to suffer his demise at the hands of his own bombs, didn't you? That wasn't ironic enough for me. Besides, this was a nice, impersonal way to knock off the Dear Litttle Frenchman (who happens to be my favorite character). I have a few other ideas for our young sergeant's ultimate fate. But I welcome your ideas for the others as well.


End file.
